Melissa Runs

Sometimes, Melissa runs her legs. Sometimes, she runs her mouth.

Tag: craziness (page 1 of 3)


1. First, my father broke his leg. He fell down at work about two weeks ago. (He works in construction and this was on site) He slipped on some mud. Well, I have heard the story so many times, I can recite it as he would tell it.

“Well I was going down basement and I could have went all the way around and took the steps but this way was closer. Then I was slipping and a sliding and my toe hit something and down I went. I knew that [name redacted] and [name redacted] were on the other side. SO I started shouting but it seemed the harder I shouted, the quieter I was. So I picked up my phone and called them. They came running to where I was and they started slipping and a sliding. But they got down there and tried to pick me up but they couldn’t. SO they got a board and the other one got a track hoe. They loaded me on that board and picked me up and put me on the track hoe. Then [someone else whose name is redacted] saw me and yelled, “Hey what are you doing with [Melissa’s dad]!?” and they got me out of there.”

Well that’s the short part of the story. Then he tried to call my mother on her cell and couldn’t get her because then he called me on my cell. He thought he was okay to drive and drove about 80 miles back to his house. He then went to the doctor and got an x-ray. They didn’t find a broken bone and sent him home with a muscle relaxer and two kinds of pain pills. They also scheduled an appointment to get an MRI to see the tendons and ligaments.

Well, those muscle relaxers and pain pills were the GOOD STUFF. He was convinced he heard people trying to steal his truck outside. He was having conversations with people who weren’t there. They would disappear when Mom would ask, “who are you talking to?” He was seeing bugs and at one point, he saw a dog walk through the house and tried to get up to protect the cat. Another time, he was sleep but he was moving his hands. He appeared to be fishing with one hand throwing out the line and the other hand reeling it in. It was quite amusing. Okay, I’ll fess up. It was more than amusing. Some of it was downright hilarious. Oh poor Daddy.

My Mom celebrated Valentine’s Day by taking my Dad back to the doctor to get him some drugs that didn’t make my Dad so freaking loopy.

Then he had an MRI and it turned out that he did break his leg. It was the top of his tibia near his knee cap. The kneecap obscured the view in the x ray. So now he has an appointment with an orthopedic specialist.

It’s been an interesting experience around here with my Dad on the recliner and Mom waiting after him. Occasionally, due to being self employed, I get called to take up the slack and make sure my Dad doesn’t slip and fall when he tries to get up and go to the bathroom.

It’s sweet to watch how my parents love each other. How my Mom buys my brother, my Dad, and myself these goofy stuffed animals. My Dad then takes the stuffed animal and uses it as a “neck warmer.” She gets his water. He winks at her.

No Strings Attached

Yes I admit I paid money to watch this movie in a theater. I could watch Natalie Portman read a phone book but seriously, it was all about movie screen sized naked Ashton Kutcher. Yeah I could have waited for video but MOVIE SCREEN SIZED NAKED ASHTON KUTCHER. Yes. Yesh indeed.

err. okay. Back to the movie.

Natalie Portman plays Emma who is a doctor going through her residency. Ashton Kutcher plays Adam, the son of a famous comedian who is a writer. They meet at summer camp when they are in their teens. Then they meet again at a college party in Michigan. Then they meet again at a farmer’s market and discover they live in the same town.

They have sex. They decide to have sex in a fuck buddy arrangement. Can they stay fuck buddies or will they fall in love? Duh, we all know the answer to this question and the movie doesn’t try to play a “will they or won’t they” scenario. The movie just tells the story of how these two characters became a couple.

This movie reverses the cliche with Emma having the commitment issues.

The assortment of friends and relatives are quite entertaining and charming. The women are portrayed as smart and sex isn’t seen as something completely dirty. For a movie about fuck buddies, there’s hardly any raunch at all. Okay there’s little to no raunch. This movie isn’t in the vein of American Pie. It’s more in the vein of when Harry Met Sally. The entire time I was wondering where I had seen Emma’s sister. You’ve seen her in Juno.

It’s entertaining. IT’s not epic and probably won’t be a classic. It does give you the chance to see Wesley from THe Princess Bride. He plays a doctor at the hospital.

Oh and the commitment issues presented in the movie opened up the Pandora’s box of my own commitment issues. I’m a closed off woman, folks. My heart has been embedded in ice for years. This movie made me cry about it for a second. DAMN YOU NAKED ASHTON!

ahem.. but that’s not so much the movie as me being a crazy person. 3 stars.

The 2010 highlights and lowlights

Yeah this is my round up of the best and worst of the year 2010. This is not an objective list. This is entirely my opinion and consists of the things I personally experienced which means there are movies that I have not seen and books that I have not read that probably would affect this list if I had seen or read them. Also, this means that some of these things were created in other years.

Favorite song of 2010

Fuck You by CEE LO GREEN

Come on. You know me. YOU KNOW ME. Left to my own devices, I’m a potty mouth and a half. It’s only respect for my elders and the desire to be professional that keeps me from cursing like a sailor all the damn time. So of course, this catchy doo woppy old school sounding song with the F-bomb in the title was DESTINED to be my favorite song. Add on top of that it’s dedicated to an ex who did the singer wrong and I’m on that song like white on rice.

Favorite book

I found the Swedish “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” trilogy all kinds of riveting. I read the first two in the span of three days. For favorite of the year, I am going to have to go with True Grit by Charles Portis. It’s written by an Arkansan and takes place in Arkansas. Besides that, it is written in a voice that is both smart and sassy. Mattie Ross is a 14 year old girl who goes to Fort Smith to avenge the murder of her father. She solicits the aide of the mean, drunk Rooster Cogburn. Hilarity ensues. There’s a certain witty repartee combined with religion that is so quintessentially Arkansas I had to chuckle in recognition.

People who don’t like Arkansas can go to the devil! — Mattie Ross


Favorite cultural trend

Using the internet for good. Earlier this year, there was a rash of suicides by gay teens who were bullied. This, of course, was very bad. Then some people got together and created the “It Gets Better” project. People from all walks of life made videos telling people to hold on and that no matter how shitty things seem right now, it does get better. Many of these videos had the person telling of a time where they felt down and depressed. Some relayed stories of the time they were so down they tried to kill themselves. It was touching.

My favorite though is the snarky calling out of Clint McCance, the Arkansan who wrote that he hoped gay kids kill themselves on his facebook page, by George Takei: “You are a douchebag”

A close second was the seven year old Katie, the girl who with the Star Wars water bottle, and the solidarity of girl geeks everywhere to tell her not to let those pesky boys bully her into putting down her bottle and that Star Wars does indeed rule.

Worst personal moment

This would be my friend Angela going into a coma and dying out of the blue last May. I didn’t even know she was that sick. She had MS but was more or less fine. Then BAM. The aftermath involving the crazy child custody brouhaha and whatnot was completely horrible and still hasn’t ended. Being a lawyer, I got put in the very uncomfortable position of explaining to folks that “no I can’t do anything about it. I’m a witness. The rules of professional responsibility means i can’t do lawyering on this case. I’m a witness.” Lord have mercy.

Of course, watching a trainwreck from a distance and knowing there is nothing you can do is always a lesson.

I still miss my friend. Sometimes I will see something on television or read about some local brouhaha in the newspaper and want to call her to discuss it.

Best Moment

Conan playing that guitar

The Conan O’Brien tour. Oh yes. This came about two weeks after my friend died so it was even more awesome.

Favorite movie

I didn’t see as many movies as I would have liked this year. Partially because most of the movies I want to see never make it to the local theater. I saw some pretty gosh darn good films. I’m going to pick The Social Network.

The Aaron Sorkin/David Fincher chatfest about the creation of Facebook managed to make computer programming and lawsuits interesting. Go figure. True Grit is a close second and I have not seen Black Swan yet.

Best Comeback


Holidailies 2010 Badge

Christmas roundup with the family traditions explained

Hello America. Why yes I am behind on my Holidailies posts. I was spending time with my 80 year old grandma at my 80 year old grandma’s house. She’s not tech savvy enough to have internet access and even if she did, it would be that god awful dial up that would take ten thousand years to upload any pictures anyway. And well, 80 year old grandmas are a higher priority than some random internet meme. So there you go.

The annual Melissa family Christmas celebration goes like this.

We go to my Mom’s Mom’s house. Mom’s Dad died back in the late 70s. We spend Thanksgiving with Dad’s family. This was decided way back before I was even born. It makes sense really. Mom is one of two siblings. Dad is one of six.

Now we go to my Mom’s Mom’s house and on the 24th we have a baked ham. We make sandwiches with the baked ham. The sides include the lettuce and tomato and what you would consider toppings for a sandwich. Also, there is pimento and cheese. I don’t know if “pimento and cheese” is a Southern thing but there you go.

Besides the meal itself, there is a cornucopia of snack foods: cookies, Chex Mix, the summer sausage/cheese/spicy mustard combo, pecan brittle, etc.

Now the 24th, the family would open the presents and clean up the area around the tree so that when Santa came, he would have room to set up the toys on Christmas day. THis meant when the kids woke up, the toys were already assembled under the tree and ready to go. Yeah it was fun times.

Also, back in the day, every other family on the street (well it was all cousins) would open their presents on Christmas day. This would leave a whole bunch of people bored. They would come down to grandma’s house and have a helluva time. Back in the day, there was also a lot of liquor around. As the cousins got older and became grandparents on their own, that tradition sort of stopped.

But to this very day, we open our presents on Christmas eve. I guess this is preparing me for the god awful visitation arrangement with my future ex-husband and our future kids who will be floating between the families. Nobody ever said I wasn’t prepared.

On Christmas day, we have turkey, dressing, and the other traditional “Christmas foods.” Grandma’s dressing is a cornbread based dressing and it ends up really thick with a consistency similar to bread pudding. It also has quite a bit of sage in it. We eat around lunch time. There you go.

My family quit trying to buy me things for Christmas years ago. Usually they ask for a “Christmas list” where I list things I would like and they pick from that list. But lately, they’ve even dropped that pretext and I usually get a bunch of cash. Of course, cash is impersonal and so I usually get something small and “thoughtful” to go along with my money.

One year, I got a Tickle me Big Bird. I was twenty seven years old. One year, my Aunt got footie pajamas. I’m not even going to say how old she was because she will find this web post, hunt me down, and kill me.

So this year, I got a lovely dark purple faux reptile (or maybe real who knows) handbag, (seriously it’s something I will actually use), a Timex Ironman watch, a bunch of cash, a snuggie, and a shake weight.

That’s right kids. A SNUGGIE

Me and my snuggy


Shake Weight

As you can see, not only did I get a snuggie. I got the most whacked out designed by a six year old girl on acid Snuggie in the world. Seriously, what the hell? I asked my mother and she replied, “I wanted to make sure you didn’t lose it”

No siree. Homeless people would slap me if I attempted to give them that monstrosity.

As far as the shake weight is concerned, I almost bought my Aunt a shake weight. It’s like the smart ass version of the Gift of the Magi at our house.

My Dad got a pistol and some CDs. My Mom got some cooking items. My grandma got an air compressor. My Aunt got a car vac. Everybody got watches from my grandma. Apparently, she went to an outlet mall watch store and stocked up.

My brother spent Christmas at one the family home of one of his roommates.

I spent a couple of days after the holiday hanging out with my grandma, watching goofy television. We went out to eat and hung out like girls. She has some random pain in her hip and doesn’t like to drive after dark so when someone comes to visit, she is all about having someone take her somewhere.

About a year and a half ago, she started experiencing pain. It turned out she had a slight curve in her spine that went untreated as a kid. As a result, the disc between one of the greatest curves has pretty much eroded away. It puts pressure on a nerve that makes it feel like her hip is hurting. Somehow it goes back to her back. This is the first time that she’s really felt like she can’t do anything. She’s feeling her age and she really hates it. It gets her down. Two years ago, her BFF Bud died. He used to come over every morning and drink coffee at her house. Now she doesn’t get nearly as many visitors. As a result, I try to spend as much time as I can with her.

I did. It was nice.

Holidailies 2010 Badge

No more

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

  1. Boiled okra Boiled okra is nasty. It’s a big bowl of slimy with green things floating in it. You know what else is slimy with green things floating in it. SNOT! BOOGERS. The crap from your nose when you have a cold. That’s right, folks. Boiled okra looks like giant boogers. I’m not having any of that! yech.
  2. Toxic people You know what I mean. Yes, I would like less of those please.
  3. Unreasonable fear Okay, now if I’m camping and a bear rips up my tent as I’m sleeping in it, then I will be so scared that I will poop on myself and rightly so. Now things such as fearing of looking stupid are not quite as valid and certainly should not deter anyone from doing something.
  4. Jeggings. ugh. Seriously, look at them. LOOK AT THEM. I lived through the 80s and it wasn’t all that.
  5. Sloth. I will exercise more. After my friend died, I went into this funk where I sat on the couch and watched trashy TV. I managed to neglect anything not completely necessary and well some of that too. My bathroom got to scary level of nasty.
  6. Clutter It is time to clean out the closet. OH yes it is.
  7. Jersey Shore I really don’t want to see Snooki and the Situation anymore. None. Na Da. Make it go away.
  8. Isolation In times of great stress, I tend to go off by myself to sort things out. This year I took that principle too far.
  9. Less death and cancer. This year a whole bunch of people I know managed to come up having cancer. Seriously. I would like less of that please.
  10. Entitlement It’s not my world. It’s not your world. IT is THE world and no one has promised that everyone is going to be to your liking. So if someone has a lifestyle, religious preference, weight, hairstyle, fashion choice, or any other characteristic that is not to your liking. Tough poo poo to you. You are not the center of the universe and most of those choices have nothing to do with you personally. Get over yourself.
  11. Less zany small town politics This year, every single time I read the paper, I had to shake my head at the shenanigans of the local city council. It is crazy mess. I think they’re just making up things as they go along with money that is not theirs. What about that splash pad that is way past deadline and over budget? Why all the new sparkly Christmas Decorations and why not list the “shipping and handling” with the price in the paper? Is that not being paid with tax payer money? SHouldn’t we the citizens have a right to know to the last cent where our money is going? Seriously folks. I might have to move to a big town to get rid of small town shenanigans. yeesh.
  12. White bread. I pledge to eat sandwiches on bread that is whole grain or darker like rye or wheat. Yes I am going to try to get more fiber and less fat and all that.

Holidailies 2010 Badge

Party all the time

Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

(Author: Shauna Reid)

I’m not sure about rocking the socks but I did attend several parties this year. Each one rocked my socks off for one reason or another.

At one party, I met this guy who had so many overlaps in my career and academic interests overlapped so much that it was freaky. The next chapter in his life involved him doing something that I had always wanted to do. There’s nothing like meeting a mere mortal who is doing activities that constitute your wildest dream to inspire you to be a better person and just go for it. That experience knocked my socks off.

Another party that rocked my socks off was the Tweeties. Central Arkansas’s Twitter Community is so prolific that after a year, they decided they needed an awards show to celebrate all the twitter goodness coming out of the area. There was singing and dancing. There were blue feather boas and tiaras. Oh, and I literally fell down and broke my ass. Okay not literally breaking my ass but I did fall down on my butt. I actually hurt the hell out of my arm. It was out of commission for a good two weeks.

Tomorrow is a reception for Arkansas Women Bloggers. I am so down. This might be the party that ROCKS MY SOCKS clean OFF!!! I’ll let you know.

Holidailies 2010 Badge

It’s the little differences

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

(Author: Karen Walrond)

I’m always a little flummoxed by this types of posts because while I can guestimate on what makes me different, I’m not sure what makes me beautiful or beloved by other people. “Lights people up” I’m not a mind reader but here we go.

According to my friend Angela (RIP), I was different because I “really don’t care about race” when it comes to judging people. Surely that isn’t that special but since it was mentioned by someone else.

I’m pretty tall — Statuesque even.

I’m really curious about other cultures and ways of doing things. It’s part of the reason I have a travel bug.

I’ve lived in a wide variety of places and types of housing and had some pretty awesome jobs in my time.

I feel things from the top of my skull to the tips of my toes. I’m very passionate in that regard. Over the years, I’ve tried to keep a reign on that because sometimes it will get me in trouble.

I am a very loyal friend.

I used to be able to play piano beautifully. I’ve even made people cry before (in a good way, I was told). I haven’t played in a while so I’m not sure what I can do RIGHT NOW.

I have really thick hair with just the right amount of body to hold a curl. My stylists always get really happy about it. Then they end up thinning the hell out of it with thinning shears.

I’m not afraid of being silly.

But really, people are more alike than they are different. They want to be loved and respected. They want to feel useful and that they are not wasting their time. They want to have their existence validated.

Holidailies 2010 Badge

Cover me… Cover you.

I admit it. I love cover songs. They’re a guilty pleasure. Sometimes, they’re a not so guilty pleasure. Some cover songs are amazing and surpass the original. Others could be described as pure satire or butchering. Some are an attempt to disturb the soul of the composer of the song from heaven or hell. They’re just that bad.

here are some for you to gaze and laugh. Or whatever.

This is Hallelujah by Sheryl Crow. Hallelujah was written by Leonard Cohen and is more notorious for its many covers than the original song. Everyone from Rufus Wainright to Bob Dylan to KD Lang have recorded covers of this song and that is not including the myriad of covers done in concerts.

Bitches Ain’t Shit by Ben Folds. “Bitches Ain’t Shit” was originally performed by Dr. Dre . It’s a hardcore misogynistic gangsta rap song talking about wmen being hoes and going to county jail. OH lord. The first time I heard this, I laughed so hard I cried.

Jonny C covering “Baby Got Back” My friend Rebecca found this little gem. This is also a white dude singing a rap song with an acoustic instrument.

I Will Survive by Cake. This is a remake of the ubiquitous and beloved disco classic by Gloria Gaynor.

You had me at "LaBamba"

After what can only be described as two crazy weeks, I had almost forgotten that I was had a ticket to see Conan O’Brien. I know, I almost forgot about Conan O’Brien. But really it was crazy.

  • CLE in Memphis (CLE stands for Continuing Legal Education. It’s a fancy way to say I went back to school for two days)
  • Memphis in May was also around that time so i saw the B-52s again. Also, other bands until during the Middle of Hall and Oates (don’t judge me), there was a tornado warning and we all had to leave.
  • Fortunately, i did not die but it was scary
  • I also found out that day that one of my really good friends was in a coma
  • Two days later, she died
  • Tons of crying and a funeral

See I told you it was a lot going on and in the midst of all that mourning, I didn’t realize that Conan was on Saturday until my friend Tiffany sent me a message about three days before the event. See, she lives in Muskogee and was going to let me crash at her place after the show. Aren’t friends great?

Someone asked me “what was the appeal of Conan O’Brien” and I had to pause because while I know theoretically there are people who don’t like him, I couldn’t conceive of why. I guess I just assumed they had brain damage. For me, I guess I relate to his willingness to be silly and his intelligence. He is that smart, dorky guy in school who grew up to be one of the “cool kids” and yet he still sees himself as that dorky guy in school. Maybe I relate to that a little too well. (shut up, I am awesome!) ahem… Triumph the Insult Comic dog. Crap. That mutt is funny.

I make no claims to be “objective” in my fandom of that show. It’s on the short list with Veronica Mars and Dexter. Sorry love it. Due to being so busy I didn’t read any of the reviews or hype regarding the show. The only thing I had even heard was at some point, Conan uses the word “douchebag.” So I went into it with about as open of a mind as I possibly could.

They had me at LaBamba. See when Conan said he was taking his show on the road, he meant “his show” so as much of it as he could take without violating NBC intellectual property laws. Hence the “not legally allowed to be funny on TV” being the title.

The band.

See, its’ the Band. See its’ LaBamba. The band came out and sang a song before Conan ever took the stage. LaBamba and ran through the aisles. Since I had an aisle seat really close to the stage, I got in on that running action.

LaBamba's back.

Unfortunately, my camera was slow and I got his back but it’s LABAMBA!!! LABAMBA!!!

I was a jumping up and down giggly as a school girl fool. And I had a giggly school girl grin throughout the entire show.


There’s a lot of overlap between the TV show and this show. One of the biggest differences is that Conan does a lot of singing and playing his guitar in this show. Many of you might remember he got a whole bunch of musician friends and Will Ferrell to do Freebird as a final song on his show.

Apparently, each spot has a special guest that has some tie to the location. Our special guest was Hanson. Here they are singing “Never Been to Spain”

and at the end, Conan sang a song and ran through the aisles. I touched his arm. *sniff* *silly schoolgirl gush*

Conan runs through the aisle

I think it’s always a good thing to meet your heroes for the simple reason to remind yourself that they are just as human as you are.

Bullet points/things I've done.

I will probably elaborate on these later but there are no guarantees.

  • I attended the UALR Black Law Students’ Association banquet at the Governor’s Mansion. I took pictures. I had lovely conversations. Then I acted likea complete dork. The end.
  • I joined the local chapter of the NAACP
  • I attended my 15 year college reunion. I made peace with the bad stuff. Oh it’s still bad stuff and sucks donkey balls but I think I’m finally at a point where I’m not bitter. Yeah it took 15 years for the bitter to go away. What? it was some fucked up shit.
  • Bill Halter town meeting in my town. Nice turn out. Some slight xenophobia.
  • The evil Dr. K popped up on facebook. Aye carumba
  • So many CLE’s in the next month.
  • Finally feeling productive. No really. Bonafidely productive.
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