Tag: Christmas (Page 1 of 2)

Snacks at the most wonderful time of the year

December 9, 2015 / melissa / 0 Comments

The holiday season is about seeing your friends and family. And goofy Christmas specials on TV. And God and spirituality. (Baby Jesus if you’re Christian) And parties AND FOOD!

Oh the snacks. Party food is the best food. Some people get all ga ga over the Turkey and dressing. I, on the other hand, get all happy over the bites served at the parties beforehand. I like food that you can eat with your fingers while talking smack with your friends. Portable and tasty is a good combination.

Here are some of my favorites. In order to preserve what little girlish figure (HAHAHAH) I still have, I only eat these things during the Holiday Season. I am deliberately leaving out the veggie tray.

Buffalo Chicken Dip (I use the Frank’s Red Hot version when I make it)

2 cups shredded cooked chicken
1 (8 oz. pkg.) cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup FRANK’S RedHot® Original Cayenne Pepper Sauce or FRANK’S RedHot® Buffalo Wings Sauce
1/2 cup blue cheese or ranch dressing
1/2 cup crumbled bleu cheese or your favorite shredded cheese

Directions

PREHEAT oven to 350°F.

COMBINE all ingredients and spoon into shallow 1-quart baking dish.

BAKE 20 minutes or until mixture is heated through; stir. Garnish with chopped green onions if desired. Serve with crackers and/or vegetables.

Please don’t sue me Frank’s. I make a complete jackass out of myself eating this stuff. It’s a less messy version of hot wings. I am not going to say how much of this I eat but I am going to say that i am grateful that I run. I have also used this as a way to get rid of leftover turkey.

Those white chocolate covered Oreos. Fortunately, the Oreo people only see these things during the Holiday season. Everybody is happy.

Those little brisket sandwiches served on a roll with hot mustard aka Brisket slider. Some random caterer makes these and many of the holiday parties in Arkansas serve them. I have found them at the bar association annual meeting in the summer. But yeah slide down my throat into my belly.

Sweet Love holiday sugar cookies. Sugar cookies shaped like Santa? HO HO HO

Back in the day, I would say Charcuterie plates was a holiday only but some of the local restaurants have started to serve some awesome appetizer trays.

A Christmas Eve Miracle

December 31, 2013 / melissa / 0 Comments

2013 has not been a good year for me and the experience had left me quite morose and misanthropic. This Christmas snuck up on me like a viper. I ended up buying all my gifts on December 23rd. I still haven’t sent out Christmas cards and my apartment was a complete mess when I finally cleaned up enough not to create a biohazard in my absence on the 24th. I left the house around 3 p.m. and this was after a phone call from my mother around noon asking where I was.

It is a tradition at my Grandma’s house to eat ham sandwiches. The ham is homemade cooked ham and not deli meat. It is usually served with white bread and pimento and cheese. I am not a fan of pimento and cheese but it is always there. We also open presents on the 24th. This is a leftover tradition from the days when Santa still loved us: we would open our gifts from the family on Christmas eve in order to make room under the tree for Santa to do this jolly good thing.

Now with all this tradition, my leaving at three meant that I was not meant to arrive at my Grandma’s house until 6 or so. I called the cell and told my Dad I was leaving. He was grumpy but he told me not to speed because the police were out.

About an hour into my trip, I heard this thud and them this “whomp whomp whomp” with my car slowing down at a rapid pace. Unfortunately, I had heard this sound before and knew what it meant: a blow out.I wasn’t near an exit with a service station and I wasn’t quite near an actual town. By this point, my parents were over 100 miles away from my car.

I managed to pull over on the shoulder and it is sunset so there is still light but it is fading fast. I call my parents to let them know that I will be even later due to the car that misogyny bought. My Dad gets on the phone and reminds me why we have the terse relationship that we do and I hung up the phone in tears. I knew my Dad was calling the State Police for them to do something. I contemplated not even going to my grandmother’s house.

I have an autoclub membership but it is pretty slow and I was dreading how slow it was going to be on Christmas Eve when I heard a tap on my passenger side window. There was a 30something woman on the other side,”Are you alright? Do you have someone helping you?” I tell her my story and by this point, a man had stepped up beside her. He asked if I had a spare and yes, yes I did. Unfortunately, the car that misogyny bought did not have the jack. Oh the I told you so’s on this one. Fortunately the man had a jack in his car and he managed to unload what must have been Santa’s stash to get to it. There was a bunch of stuff on the ground. That is all I am going to say. And before I could say, “well now that I have a jack….” He was carrying that tire to the front of the car and unscrewing those leg nuts. [Do you unscrew lug nuts?]

I talked with the lady. She was a middle school teacher. She taught sixth grade and they were going to be having a quiet dinner with a Christmas celebration later.

And then it was done. My car was fixed by these strangers who just saw a car on the side of the road near Christmas time. They didn’t know me. They did, however, know the State Trooper who finally pulled over about the time the tire was completely changed. It turned out he and I shared the exact same birth date. I thanked them profusely and was on my way.

After having time to inspect the tire itself, I am surprised that I didn’t lose control of the car. I am also surprised that no one hit me. There were a lot of people making a mad last minute dash for Christmas. I am also surprised that I wasn’t on the side of the road for 10 minutes before someone pulled over. I know from past experience that the autoclub would have least taken an hour even on a good day. For the first time in an awfully long time, I smiled and believed in people. It was a Christmas miracle indeed.

A festivus for the rest of us: the airing of the grievances

December 18, 2009 / melissa / 0 Comments

Festivus in Adams Morgan

Originally uploaded by mringlein

My old neighborhood, Adams Morgan in DC is celebrating Festivus.

And well gosh darn it. Not one to be all left out of a celebration, I too am celebrating Festivus.

The feats of strength will be later… but first…
THE AIRING OF THE GRIEVANCES

1. When I write a letter to a public official and the public official doesn’t answer the letter but bad mouths subject of letter publically, it chaps my hide. Also, it makes me feel no sympathy for Arkansas getting a bad reputation…. because if a place can elect someone too stupid to answer their own damn mail, then maybe it deserves the reputation it gets.

2. Tiger Woods, why did you get married when you wanted to screw everybody within a 20 mile radius? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!!!

3. I can’t believe the amount of brain cells and time was wasted reading about the John and Kate plus 8 debacle. I’m embarrassed to admit I got sucked it.

4. I hate being sucked in to stupid tabloid shit.

5. Dear Duggar, WE GET IT. YOU are fertile. NO blanks shooting out of your gun. WE GET IT. but after kid . . . oh . . . .15. . . you’re just showing off.

6. weightloss…… you avoided me this year…. oh stress eating.

7. 2009. You sucked donkey balls for me. DONKEY BALLS! It was a Mexican Hooker year at casa de Melissa. Okay you only half sucked donkey balls. You sucked one of the balls. I’m guessing the left one. The right one is currently suck free.

8. They bought back the creepy baby Jesus for the Nativity scene again. I’m having nightmares.

9. Why do police and firemen get paid so little?

10. Tiger Woods apparently screwed everyone in the neighborhood BUT ME. SERIOUSLY do my pits stink. Everyone else got to ride the six iron, why not me? I don’t even think Tiger Woods is attractive but dammit EVERYBODY and their MAMA got a trip to the Romper room so I’m beginning to question my deodorant and hair removal choices.

11. This zit on my nose isn’t making me happy either.
11. Oh yeah the laziness. THE LAZINESS. I haven’t ran in two weeks. ME. Runner girl. No running. My ass is expanding. aye carumba. and I can’t find my ipod either.

Fight The Humbug (reprint)

November 28, 2009 / melissa / 0 Comments

This is a reprint from last year
but I think it should be read every holiday season.

For some reason, everybody and their Mama is starting to hate on Christmas. Eleanor is losing the spirit. MF never had it (I think he’s lying just to look like a badass for the ladies). There’s even a Bah Humbug club in England.

Back in the day, I used to feel a little blue during the holiday and then I came to resent the holiday. Finally, I have gotten to the point where I can enjoy the thing. Here are some of my tips.

Christmas doesn’t turn crap into gold. Yeah everybody and their mama tells you that Christmas is the time for friends and family. Everybody is supposed to get together and have a jolly old good time. This is all great and all but if your family tap dances on your last nerve: your grandpa is an alcoholic or your aunt is mean and uses you as an emotional whipping girl. None of that is going to change because Jesus was born many years ago. They’re still going to be the same shitheads that they are the other 51 weeks out of the year. Sometimes, you might have to set up some personal boundaries for yourself and limit the time with drunk grandpa and mean aunt if it’s going to harsh your buzz for the entire season.
That being said, if you have been a jackass to someone and are feeling bad about it. This holiday season does give you the opportunity to extend an olive branch or a peace pipe. It’s not calling people out of the blue for no reason, it’s wishing them well for the holiday season.
Your problems aren’t going to go away just because it’s the seasonIf you’re unhappy,fat, or broke, you’re still going to be unhappy, fat, and/or broke. It’s not going to go away because there’s a tree and some presents
People are not nicer during the holiday season. I don’t know what this peace on Earth, goodwill towards man crap is. Ask anyone who works in retail during the holiday season and they will tell you, “people are still the same greedy shits they are the other 11 months of the year. In fact, the greedy shitness is multiplied.” People are shooting each in Toys R Us over what? A Wii. A Bratz doll? People want to be the hero to their own friends and relatives by bringing them the choice gifts so they can get some applause and standing ovations. They will push, pull, poke, and possibly steal the toy out of your shopping cart. Then they drop fifty cents into the Salvation Army bucket and go home thinking they’re a great charitable human being.
Avoid Christmas music. Here’s the deal. The classical music written by the white haired greats such as Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms, Yeah that stuff rules. BUT the stuff that is produced closer to today, it sucks. The record producers know that you’re only going to play it for the few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas day. They’re not trying to create a Stairway to Heaven or a Help or even a Hey Ya. They know it’s never going to be a number one single or go platinum so they’re going to put out some crap to get a little change in their pockets and go home. To put it simply, Christmas records are CRAP! Avoid that shit. You’ll hear it enough in stores, on television, and on the radio to purposefully put yourself in a position of listening to it on purpose. It’s crappy music with cheesy lyrics. It, for the most part, is not good music. It sucks. Bad arranging. The singer might be out of tune. Nobody is caring because you’ll listen to it for six weeks and then put it up and listen to it six weeks next year. It’s shitty music. So don’t be tearing out the Christmas music right after thanksgiving and expect to not want to poke your eardrums out to rid yourself of that gawdawful noise because that’s just unrealistic. Avoid the shitty Christmas music. Or write to your Congressman to demand that people release stuff that isn’t certified crap. Also, I think those records will say “I hate myself and want to die” if you play them backwards. Yes I do.
Buy your presents online. People go crazy and they especially go crazy in malls. If you can get your gifts online, you avoid that stuff. Of course, my local Chamber of Commerce is going to send me reindeer crap for this particular item. Nice! Fertilizer for my flowers!
You don’t have to go to every party invited. For some reason, there is this pressure to attend every Christmas party. Do you attend every party you have ever been invited? Seriously, say “No thank you, I have other plans.” It doesn’t matter if those plans are sitting on your couch with your cat watching “Veronica Mars” reruns. If you don’t want to go to that particular party, don’t go! OF course, there is this pressure to be a social maven during the holiday. If you’re not a social butterfly who likes large parties or the particular party is filled with people who will make you lose the little faith you have in the human race, don’t be a martyr for the holiday. Don’t go to the shitty party. Give yourself a present.
Avoid peer pressure Yeah Mary has a thousand Christmas lights with some blow up dolls in her front yard but that doesn’t mean YOU have to do that to your house. In many ways, this could apply to some of the above advice. This goes for gifts. If you can’t afford to buy a Wii, don’t let your kid and your neighbors who are getting one make you feel bad for not buying one. Yeah it sucks but bankruptcy because you can’t pay those credit cards later sucks more. So shake it off. Be the rock star that other people want to emulate. Forget those Joneses, they’re probably all on prozac and in therapy anyway.

So there you go. There is some of my advice to survive the holidays without feeling like pooo!

A very special Christmas present

December 26, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

People, in general, tend not to like lawyers. We’ve all heard the lawyer jokes.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”

“Three dollars an ounce.”

“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”

“Four dollars an ounce.”

“How much for lawyer brain?”

“$1,000 an ounce.”

“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”

“Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

So today, when I stopped by my office, I was a little amused and horrified to see this.

Uh oh. Is that what I think it is? Let’s look closer.

It is. It is. Now I know people who have said I was full of crap. I have have never had anyone leave a visual aid before today.

Of course, this could just be a coincidence and the unfortunate side effect of our tiny hamlet not having any pooper scooper laws. (that is a big dog). Then again, the other office mate in my office complex is non profit that works with juvenile delinquents.

And a ho ho ho to you

December 25, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

I left the one in the house and another cat outside because I couldn’t find him. Then I went over the hills and through the woods to grandma’s house. Literally.

By the time I got there, everyone else had eaten the Christmas eve dinner of Ham, pimento and cheese sandwiches, salad, and as much snack food type things as you can imagine. That has been the tradition. Back in the day, everybody and their mama used to come to my grandma’s house and celebrate Christmas eve at her house. Sometimes, there would be booze. There is a particularly rowdy year when I was 12 where I think everyone including my 10 year old brother got closer to hammered than the child welfare people would have liked. But oh what a memory that was.

Now that we’re grown, most of those families that used to come visit have grown kids and they celebrate Christmas eve at their own houses. But my grandmother still cooks like 30 people are going to show up.

Another tradition is that we open presents on Christmas eve. This is also a take off from our youth. Back in the day,we would open our presents on Christmas eve to make room under the tree for Santa to open and set up our presents. OH it was a good time. Of course, we got old and said we didn’t believe in Santa and so he doesn’t come around anymore no matter how many times I send a letter to the North Pole telling him I was just kidding.

I got a GPS navigator for the car, some cash, makeup (my brother always buys me makeup), and other assorted nicknacks. It was fun. Mom got clothes. My grandmother got all sorts of riotous gear.

Today we had the traditional turkey and dressing fest with turkey, cornbread dressing, baked beans, green salad, potato salad, fruit salad, cookies, pies, and sweet potatoes. I’m sure I’m missing something but you get the idea.

It was also a reunion with Breezy the best dog in the world and myself. Oh she loves me. There was a jumping and a licking and barking. Those were some good times.

I also ran an easy four miles.

Also, Breezy has a sore back leg and can’t jump up on the bed anymore. (She sleeps with my grandmother). So she got little step ladder so she can get back on the bed without whining and waking up my grandmother. Last night, I managed to step on that thing and go timber to the ground. I got some major carpet burn on one knee. OH it was a funny thing to see. HA ha and more ha.

Now that I’m older and busier, I appreciate just being able to hang out with my family and relax. Doing nothing used to be boring and now it’s a luxury.

Melissa bakes and doesn't blow up the house

December 24, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

I am not a very good cook. Once, I burned the Rice-a-roni. So any time the culinary arts are pursued, it’s with tense anticipation and a little spirit of adventure. Will I forget an ingredient? Will the yeast actually rise? Will the fire department be making a special guest appearance? All of these things could happen.

So this year I decided to participate in the family annual cookie spree. Instead of making treats of cakes and pies, our family makes cookies– lots of different types of cookies. As far as I know, this year’s festivities will include gingersnaps, chocolate chip, sugar cookies in the shape of feet (it’s a family tradition), and black and white cookies.

I made the black and white cookies. Black and white cookies are a staple of New York bakeries. They are so quintessential New York City that they even made a guest appearance on Seinfeld.

I found this recipe on epicurious and thought I’d give it a try. According to the reviews, it seemed fairly authentic and not hard to make.

I mix the dough and then I load it up via 1/4 cup spoonfuls like the instructions said.

Then as I wait for them to bake, I see the bowl of buttermilk and vanilla sitting by the OVEN. CRIKEY!!!

The fuck ups looked like this and turned out to be very tasty. They had the consistency of a very packed biscuit but sweet.

I made another batch and put the icing on and voila!

<img src=”http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3253/3133600917_f9cf630a11.jpg” width=”500″ height=”375″ alt=”December2008 038″ /

baby Jesus is creeping me out.

December 22, 2008 / melissa / 3 Comments

Our small town, like all small towns located on the Bible Belt in America, has a nativity scene. Our nativity scene is located on the town square on Main street.

The town square is set up so that if you’re turning left, you will pass right by the nativity scene. You get a close up view.

Look isn’t it cute. There’s Mary and Joseph. The wise men are all around but wait. What is that?!

Is that Baby Jesus? What is up with that hair? All that hair. I have never seen any baby that with much hair? and the Divine style drawn eyebrows. Okay they’re not that high but seriously, drawn and penciled in eyebrows. Oh no. Not on baby Jesus. And the way his arms are stretched out like he’s going to grab me if I lean in too close. And that little mouth.

There’s something about this baby Jesus that creeps me out. It sends shivers up my spine. I don’t know why exactly but it creeps me out. It’s also tiny compared to the others. Baby Jesus would be a super duper premie.

I’ve even joked about stealing this baby Jesus so the city would have to buy a replacement a baby Jesus. ugh.

Fight the Humbug!

December 21, 2008 / melissa / 7 Comments

For some reason, everybody and their Mama is starting to hate one Christmas. Eleanor is losing the spirit. MF never had it (I think he’s lying just to look like a badass for the ladies). There’s even a Bah Humbug club in England.

Back in the day, I used to feel a little blue during the holiday and then I came to resent the holiday. Finally, I have gotten to the point where I can enjoy the thing. Here are some of my tips.

Christmas doesn’t turn crap into gold. Yeah everybody and their mama tells you that Christmas is the time for friends and family. Everybody is supposed to get together and have a jolly old good time. This is all great and all but if your family tap dances on your last nerve: your grandpa is an alcoholic or your aunt is mean and uses you as an emotional whipping girl. None of that is going to change because Jesus was born many years ago. They’re still going to be the same shitheads that they are the other 51 weeks out of the year. Sometimes, you might have to set up some personal boundaries for yourself and limit the time with drunk grandpa and mean aunt if it’s going to harsh your buzz for the entire season.
That being said, if you have been a jackass to someone and are feeling bad about it. This holiday season does give you the opportunity to extend an olive branch or a peace pipe. It’s not calling people out of the blue for no reason, it’s wishing them well for the holiday season.
Your problems aren’t going to go away just because it’s the seasonIf you’re unhappy,fat, or broke, you’re still going to be unhappy, fat, and/or broke. It’s not going to go away because there’s a tree and some presents
People are not nicer during the holiday season. I don’t know what this peace on Earth, goodwill towards man crap is. Ask anyone who works in retail during the holiday season and they will tell you, “people are still the same greedy shits they are the other 11 months of the year. In fact, the greedy shitness is multiplied.” People are shooting each in Toys R Us over what? A Wii. A Bratz doll? People want to be the hero to their own friends and relatives by bringing them the choice gifts so they can get some applause and standing ovations. They will push, pull, poke, and possibly steal the toy out of your shopping cart. Then they drop fifty cents into the Salvation Army bucket and go home thinking they’re a great charitable human being.
Avoid Christmas music. Here’s the deal. The classical music written by the white haired greats such as Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms, Yeah that stuff rules. BUT the stuff that is produced closer to today, it sucks. The record producers know that you’re only going to play it for the few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas day. They’re not trying to create a Stairway to Heaven or a Help or even a Hey Ya. They know it’s never going to be a number one single or go platinum so they’re going to put out some crap to get a little change in their pockets and go home. To put it simply, Christmas records are CRAP! Avoid that shit. You’ll hear it enough in stores, on television, and on the radio to purposefully put yourself in a position of listening to it on purpose. It’s crappy music with cheesy lyrics. It, for the most part, is not good music. It sucks. Bad arranging. The singer might be out of tune. Nobody is caring because you’ll listen to it for six weeks and then put it up and listen to it six weeks next year. It’s shitty music. So don’t be tearing out the Christmas music right after thanksgiving and expect to not want to poke your eardrums out to rid yourself of that gawdawful noise because that’s just unrealistic. Avoid the shitty Christmas music. Or write to your Congressman to demand that people release stuff that isn’t certified crap. Also, I think those records will say “I hate myself and want to die” if you play them backwards. Yes I do.
Buy your presents online. People go crazy and they especially go crazy in malls. If you can get your gifts online, you avoid that stuff. Of course, my local Chamber of Commerce is going to send me reindeer crap for this particular item. Nice! Fertilizer for my flowers!
You don’t have to go to every party invited. For some reason, there is this pressure to attend every Christmas party. Do you attend every party you have ever been invited? Seriously, say “No thank you, I have other plans.” It doesn’t matter if those plans are sitting on your couch with your cat watching “Veronica Mars” reruns. If you don’t want to go to that particular party, don’t go! OF course, there is this pressure to be a social maven during the holiday. If you’re not a social butterfly who likes large parties or the particular party is filled with people who will make you lose the little faith you have in the human race, don’t be a martyr for the holiday. Don’t go to the shitty party. Give yourself a present.
Avoid peer pressure Yeah Mary has a thousand Christmas lights with some blow up dolls in her front yard but that doesn’t mean YOU have to do that to your house. In many ways, this could apply to some of the above advice. This goes for gifts. If you can’t afford to buy a Wii, don’t let your kid and your neighbors who are getting one make you feel bad for not buying one. Yeah it sucks but bankruptcy because you can’t pay those credit cards later sucks more. So shake it off. Be the rock star that other people want to emulate. Forget those Joneses, they’re probably all on prozac and in therapy anyway.

So there you go. There is some of my advice to survive the holidays without feeling like pooo!

Money making Christmas

December 10, 2008 / melissa / 2 Comments

I’ve never understood people going into crazy debt trying to buy Christmas gifts. For as long as I can remember, my mother’s way of buying Christmas gifts was that there was a huge change jar in the corner of the kitchen. Over the course of the year, change went into the jar. That change was the money used to buy gifts.

My grandmother, on the other hand, sold pecans. She has quite a few pecan trees on her property. It becomes a family affair really. First they are picked up off the ground and put in big buckets.

Then they are cracked and picked out. “Picked out” is the process where all the non edible contents inside the shell of the pecan gets removed from the edible part of the pecan. This is done carefully so that the pecan itself is still in one piece. Then the pecans are rinsed and put in a big dishpan.

From here, the pecans are put in baggies in one pound increments. Yes there is a scale but not where I took these pictures. They are then sold. The harvest is anywhere from 500-1200 pounds.

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