Tag: holidailies (Page 4 of 5)

Resolutions

January 1, 2009 / melissa / 0 Comments

I am a chronic list maker. I always carry a notepad of some type in my handbag or my bookbag to make notes. I always have a to-do list of some sort. I have a big “bucket list” with the sublime, the surreal, and the serious. This, however, is the list of goals for this year. I have a tendency to dream big.

To finish the Little Rock half marathon
To run a marathon (maybe Chicago, Marine Corps or Las Vegas)
To see the Warhol exhibit in Little Rock
To see the Postsecret exhibit in Bentonville
To incorporate yoga into my workouts.
To get at least 64 ounces of water a day
To move from my humble hamlet to somewhere more urban. (this is the COUNTRY so “more urban” won’t be that hard)
To try sushi (yes I’ve lived this long and haven’t tried any)
Less processed food
Read 50 books this year

last words

December 30, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

Don’t you just hate it when you are put in a situation that frustrates you and then ten minutes later, you think of the perfect response? Or you want to be tactful and so you don’t exactly tell the truth. Or you’re just chickenshit and don’t express your true feelings. Yeah I have those moments too. Here are some of those thoughts.

You, me, everybody and their mama knows that you don’t give a crap about this community. You only care about yourself. That letter you wrote didn’t fool anybody.
You’re a bigot that puts the ass in assbackwards. I am ashamed to be related to you
You’re smart, funny, cute, and have a treasure trove of varied interests. I am truly surprised you don’t realize how fucking awesome you are. I want to kiss you smack dab on the mouth and stay up til the wee hours of the morning talking about bullshit. Your bullshit is more entertaining than John Stewart.
I’m sorry I’m not a petty, vindictive good old boy. Oh wait, I’m not.
Maybe it’s been years since you’ve been in a relationship because you’re too self centered to notice anyone else or their needs. I’m just saying.
You are my hero. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me but I’m a loser like this.
We’re not friends because I think you take me for granted and I hate the person I become when interacting with you. I feel you don’t respect my boundaries and that I have to constantly keep my guard up or you will suck me dry. That’s no way to live. I do remember you fondly and you will always have a small part of my heart.
YES WE DID. CHANGE DID COME! I am so impressed by you. Have a great inauguration! (oops this one is easy to figure out). BUT shame on you for not liking “girly dogs” Breezy is a girly dog but she is awesome AND hypoallergenic. Breezy the white bichon frise would be the perfect white house dog.
Woah you really let yourself go. Get off your ass and lose some poundage. damn.
Okay that little know it all kiss the teacher’s ass while stabbing your colleagues in the back bullshit you got going on is old.
When I heard that you married a wealthy doctor who is ten years your senior, I thought to myself, “yeah he always wanted to be a kept man.” I feel very sad that our relationship has deteriorated to the point that this is the first thought I think.
Look I don’t care who you are, the ten items or less means ten ITEMS or less not ten BAGS OF ITEMS or less. Shame on you, you fucking bitch. And shame on your ms. cashier for not calling her on it. Oh and the part where you act like I’m in the wrong for saying something, well you’re lucky I didn’t send a letter to corporate with your name on it.
Alright, your power is going out. I waited until it got especially cold to tell Detroit that your account is with a fake identity. Sucks to be you, you big criminal. At least jail will be warmer than your no power place.

OH

December 28, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

I love running and today was a very nice seven mile run. It was the same pace I usually run but it didn’t feel tiring. Also, I ran up and down some hills so it should have been more strenuous and slower than my other runs. Somehow I did it and I feel very proud of myself. Yes I am a dork.

I paid the registration fee for the Little Rock half marathon. I have talked and written about it for quite a while but I finally took the leap and paid it. Now I have to go. Well I don’t have to do anything but the fee is non refundable. I have told everybody and their mother. People have even said they would show up to cheer me on. Really? Cheer little old me?! I’m not worthy. Of course, I have a self esteem problem. Or not.

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine wrote about something that was very tragic and painful. I feel empathy for her and her struggle. Unfortunately for me, it is freakishly close to one of my own “very bad events in my life.” As a result, I’ve been a hot mess. I’ve been binging on food like it’s going out of style. I’ve made a very bad trip down to the swampy ugly pothole filled parts of memory lane and I am desperately searching back to Present-ville.

I’m looking towards the future and making plans to change a whole lot about my life. I have managed to put myself in a rut. I need to get out of it.

I can do it with my eyes closed

December 27, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

kitty

Originally uploaded by melissathegoofy

This was a meme.

1. Open paint
2. Close your eyes.
3. Draw a cat.

I did a pretty gosh darn good job.

Also, I officially registered (i.e. paid for) for the Little Rock half marathon. I’m officially in it. No backing out now.

A very special Christmas present

December 26, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

People, in general, tend not to like lawyers. We’ve all heard the lawyer jokes.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”

“Three dollars an ounce.”

“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”

“Four dollars an ounce.”

“How much for lawyer brain?”

“$1,000 an ounce.”

“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”

“Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

So today, when I stopped by my office, I was a little amused and horrified to see this.

Uh oh. Is that what I think it is? Let’s look closer.

It is. It is. Now I know people who have said I was full of crap. I have have never had anyone leave a visual aid before today.

Of course, this could just be a coincidence and the unfortunate side effect of our tiny hamlet not having any pooper scooper laws. (that is a big dog). Then again, the other office mate in my office complex is non profit that works with juvenile delinquents.

And a ho ho ho to you

December 25, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

I left the one in the house and another cat outside because I couldn’t find him. Then I went over the hills and through the woods to grandma’s house. Literally.

By the time I got there, everyone else had eaten the Christmas eve dinner of Ham, pimento and cheese sandwiches, salad, and as much snack food type things as you can imagine. That has been the tradition. Back in the day, everybody and their mama used to come to my grandma’s house and celebrate Christmas eve at her house. Sometimes, there would be booze. There is a particularly rowdy year when I was 12 where I think everyone including my 10 year old brother got closer to hammered than the child welfare people would have liked. But oh what a memory that was.

Now that we’re grown, most of those families that used to come visit have grown kids and they celebrate Christmas eve at their own houses. But my grandmother still cooks like 30 people are going to show up.

Another tradition is that we open presents on Christmas eve. This is also a take off from our youth. Back in the day,we would open our presents on Christmas eve to make room under the tree for Santa to open and set up our presents. OH it was a good time. Of course, we got old and said we didn’t believe in Santa and so he doesn’t come around anymore no matter how many times I send a letter to the North Pole telling him I was just kidding.

I got a GPS navigator for the car, some cash, makeup (my brother always buys me makeup), and other assorted nicknacks. It was fun. Mom got clothes. My grandmother got all sorts of riotous gear.

Today we had the traditional turkey and dressing fest with turkey, cornbread dressing, baked beans, green salad, potato salad, fruit salad, cookies, pies, and sweet potatoes. I’m sure I’m missing something but you get the idea.

It was also a reunion with Breezy the best dog in the world and myself. Oh she loves me. There was a jumping and a licking and barking. Those were some good times.

I also ran an easy four miles.

Also, Breezy has a sore back leg and can’t jump up on the bed anymore. (She sleeps with my grandmother). So she got little step ladder so she can get back on the bed without whining and waking up my grandmother. Last night, I managed to step on that thing and go timber to the ground. I got some major carpet burn on one knee. OH it was a funny thing to see. HA ha and more ha.

Now that I’m older and busier, I appreciate just being able to hang out with my family and relax. Doing nothing used to be boring and now it’s a luxury.

Melissa bakes and doesn't blow up the house

December 24, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

I am not a very good cook. Once, I burned the Rice-a-roni. So any time the culinary arts are pursued, it’s with tense anticipation and a little spirit of adventure. Will I forget an ingredient? Will the yeast actually rise? Will the fire department be making a special guest appearance? All of these things could happen.

So this year I decided to participate in the family annual cookie spree. Instead of making treats of cakes and pies, our family makes cookies– lots of different types of cookies. As far as I know, this year’s festivities will include gingersnaps, chocolate chip, sugar cookies in the shape of feet (it’s a family tradition), and black and white cookies.

I made the black and white cookies. Black and white cookies are a staple of New York bakeries. They are so quintessential New York City that they even made a guest appearance on Seinfeld.

I found this recipe on epicurious and thought I’d give it a try. According to the reviews, it seemed fairly authentic and not hard to make.

I mix the dough and then I load it up via 1/4 cup spoonfuls like the instructions said.

Then as I wait for them to bake, I see the bowl of buttermilk and vanilla sitting by the OVEN. CRIKEY!!!

The fuck ups looked like this and turned out to be very tasty. They had the consistency of a very packed biscuit but sweet.

I made another batch and put the icing on and voila!

<img src=”http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3253/3133600917_f9cf630a11.jpg” width=”500″ height=”375″ alt=”December2008 038″ /

Hey HO! let's go!

December 23, 2008 / melissa / 0 Comments

Facebook is a funny thing. It’s like a virtual high school, college, and workplace reunion all in one. You end up seeing people from your distant and not so distant past. They post pictures of their kids as well as pictures from the distant and not so distant past. Sometimes you catch up on mutual friends and whatnot.

This whole social network reconnecting is how I got invited to the DMZ reunion at Vino’s. I hadn’t seen her since school but it was a punk show. I live in the country and they don’t play punk down here so I was down with it. Also, Vino’s has great food. No seriously, it gets great reviews in the papers and everything. Yes I have eaten here before and it is on my short list of stops when I’m in town.

Of course, even though I had RSVP’d weeks in advance, the weather reports were threatening sleet on that day. And dammit I was a going.

And GO I did.

First, Arkansas has had a long and varied punk scene since the eighties. In fact, there is a documentary about the whole thing called Towncraft. Also, Evanescence (not punk) came from here. Another guitarist from one of the local bands went on to be in Green Day. So this DMZ 20 year reunion was sort of a big deal.

To answer your question, yes I had one of those awesome calzones. I had a snack for dinner and then ordered a calzone and ate half of it. I indulged but responsibly so.

The show was fun. Here are some pictures.

Matt Besser as the “Hunchback of Vino’s”

This is a very dark picture of what I believe to be “Trusty” playing. I might even have the band wrong. Man it was late.

This is the sign to the left of the stage. There were several of these around the stage. but but .. it was a punk show. What do you mean no stage diving? Then again, this was a twenty year REUNION SHOW. This means the average age was probably thirtyish.

Arkansas is a really small place. The entire population is about two million people and when you divide the age groups and then put the city dwellers and the people who would like punk music, well you see what I mean. I saw a bunch of people I recognized, which was nice. There was also this one guy who did this very public defriending of me on myspace complete with a blog entry about the whole thing. I haven’t experienced anything like that since the whole junior high “no you can’t sit at my lunch table anymore” scene. in well, junior high. And yet I don’t know what I did to offend so righteous indignationly. (is that even word? I don’t care!) So that was a little, what’s the word, AWKWARD! for minute.

What is about Social networks that bring out the worst of junior high school behavior and social politics in people who are old enough to know better? I just want to know.

But I survived and I go where I want to go, when I want to go. I’m a bad ass like that. Now if the place had only allowed mosh pitting, I would have been all good.

baby Jesus is creeping me out.

December 22, 2008 / melissa / 3 Comments

Our small town, like all small towns located on the Bible Belt in America, has a nativity scene. Our nativity scene is located on the town square on Main street.

The town square is set up so that if you’re turning left, you will pass right by the nativity scene. You get a close up view.

Look isn’t it cute. There’s Mary and Joseph. The wise men are all around but wait. What is that?!

Is that Baby Jesus? What is up with that hair? All that hair. I have never seen any baby that with much hair? and the Divine style drawn eyebrows. Okay they’re not that high but seriously, drawn and penciled in eyebrows. Oh no. Not on baby Jesus. And the way his arms are stretched out like he’s going to grab me if I lean in too close. And that little mouth.

There’s something about this baby Jesus that creeps me out. It sends shivers up my spine. I don’t know why exactly but it creeps me out. It’s also tiny compared to the others. Baby Jesus would be a super duper premie.

I’ve even joked about stealing this baby Jesus so the city would have to buy a replacement a baby Jesus. ugh.

Fight the Humbug!

December 21, 2008 / melissa / 7 Comments

For some reason, everybody and their Mama is starting to hate one Christmas. Eleanor is losing the spirit. MF never had it (I think he’s lying just to look like a badass for the ladies). There’s even a Bah Humbug club in England.

Back in the day, I used to feel a little blue during the holiday and then I came to resent the holiday. Finally, I have gotten to the point where I can enjoy the thing. Here are some of my tips.

Christmas doesn’t turn crap into gold. Yeah everybody and their mama tells you that Christmas is the time for friends and family. Everybody is supposed to get together and have a jolly old good time. This is all great and all but if your family tap dances on your last nerve: your grandpa is an alcoholic or your aunt is mean and uses you as an emotional whipping girl. None of that is going to change because Jesus was born many years ago. They’re still going to be the same shitheads that they are the other 51 weeks out of the year. Sometimes, you might have to set up some personal boundaries for yourself and limit the time with drunk grandpa and mean aunt if it’s going to harsh your buzz for the entire season.
That being said, if you have been a jackass to someone and are feeling bad about it. This holiday season does give you the opportunity to extend an olive branch or a peace pipe. It’s not calling people out of the blue for no reason, it’s wishing them well for the holiday season.
Your problems aren’t going to go away just because it’s the seasonIf you’re unhappy,fat, or broke, you’re still going to be unhappy, fat, and/or broke. It’s not going to go away because there’s a tree and some presents
People are not nicer during the holiday season. I don’t know what this peace on Earth, goodwill towards man crap is. Ask anyone who works in retail during the holiday season and they will tell you, “people are still the same greedy shits they are the other 11 months of the year. In fact, the greedy shitness is multiplied.” People are shooting each in Toys R Us over what? A Wii. A Bratz doll? People want to be the hero to their own friends and relatives by bringing them the choice gifts so they can get some applause and standing ovations. They will push, pull, poke, and possibly steal the toy out of your shopping cart. Then they drop fifty cents into the Salvation Army bucket and go home thinking they’re a great charitable human being.
Avoid Christmas music. Here’s the deal. The classical music written by the white haired greats such as Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms, Yeah that stuff rules. BUT the stuff that is produced closer to today, it sucks. The record producers know that you’re only going to play it for the few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas day. They’re not trying to create a Stairway to Heaven or a Help or even a Hey Ya. They know it’s never going to be a number one single or go platinum so they’re going to put out some crap to get a little change in their pockets and go home. To put it simply, Christmas records are CRAP! Avoid that shit. You’ll hear it enough in stores, on television, and on the radio to purposefully put yourself in a position of listening to it on purpose. It’s crappy music with cheesy lyrics. It, for the most part, is not good music. It sucks. Bad arranging. The singer might be out of tune. Nobody is caring because you’ll listen to it for six weeks and then put it up and listen to it six weeks next year. It’s shitty music. So don’t be tearing out the Christmas music right after thanksgiving and expect to not want to poke your eardrums out to rid yourself of that gawdawful noise because that’s just unrealistic. Avoid the shitty Christmas music. Or write to your Congressman to demand that people release stuff that isn’t certified crap. Also, I think those records will say “I hate myself and want to die” if you play them backwards. Yes I do.
Buy your presents online. People go crazy and they especially go crazy in malls. If you can get your gifts online, you avoid that stuff. Of course, my local Chamber of Commerce is going to send me reindeer crap for this particular item. Nice! Fertilizer for my flowers!
You don’t have to go to every party invited. For some reason, there is this pressure to attend every Christmas party. Do you attend every party you have ever been invited? Seriously, say “No thank you, I have other plans.” It doesn’t matter if those plans are sitting on your couch with your cat watching “Veronica Mars” reruns. If you don’t want to go to that particular party, don’t go! OF course, there is this pressure to be a social maven during the holiday. If you’re not a social butterfly who likes large parties or the particular party is filled with people who will make you lose the little faith you have in the human race, don’t be a martyr for the holiday. Don’t go to the shitty party. Give yourself a present.
Avoid peer pressure Yeah Mary has a thousand Christmas lights with some blow up dolls in her front yard but that doesn’t mean YOU have to do that to your house. In many ways, this could apply to some of the above advice. This goes for gifts. If you can’t afford to buy a Wii, don’t let your kid and your neighbors who are getting one make you feel bad for not buying one. Yeah it sucks but bankruptcy because you can’t pay those credit cards later sucks more. So shake it off. Be the rock star that other people want to emulate. Forget those Joneses, they’re probably all on prozac and in therapy anyway.

So there you go. There is some of my advice to survive the holidays without feeling like pooo!

Archives