How do I explain Festivus to someone with Alzheimer’s?  Crap this might be harder than I thought.

Well Melissa, you spent quite an astonishing amount of time watching television and one of the shows that you watched regularly was called Seinfield.  It was the story of four people engaged in a Sartrean level of dysfunctional enmeshment named respectively Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer.

Okay, that was pretentious bullshit.

It was the story of a comedian whose claim to fame was poking fun at the minutiae of life and his three friends bumbling through life:  Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer.  George’s parents were extremely reactive and weren’t really into Christianity or Judaism so they made up their own holiday called Festivus.

Oh fuck this shit, I’ll just put a link to the Wikipedia page and call it a day.

But today is Festivus and this is the airing of the grievances for 2019.

  • People who do not put their buggies in the buggy space in parking lots.  Walmart and other shopping areas were nice enough to make a designated space for buggies.  They do this so that cars will not be damaged.  The least you could do is not be all wrapped up in yourself and think of your fellow shoppers who now have to drive like the parking lot is an obstacle course in order to buy cheap overprized crap.
  • Democratic Party of Arkansas.  You are a complete hot mess.  First, there is this issue with misappropriation and how you got your BFFs to do the audit.  THEN!  You managed to not vet Josh Mahony and he withdrew his Senate campaign after the deadline because his employment records were spotty and now there is no Democratic opponent against Tom Cotton.   I still haven’t gotten a satisfactory explanation of how this happened. In fact, I haven’t gotten an explanation at all.   This shouldn’t be your first rodeo and you’re acting like its amateur hour.  Tom Cotton had Koch money which means he had money to dig through his opponent’s record with a fine-tooth comb.  This was the race where the opponent would dig and dig and dig figure out that you pinched a girl’s butt in kindergarten and somehow you couldn’t figure out that Mahoney didn’t have a regular job and lied about it on campaign forms.  You ask for his tax forms. Did you ask for his tax forms?  Who did what and when?  I want an explanation for this. I want a detailed explanation of this.  I want names.  There isn’t enough ink. It’s almost midnight. I’m going to put a pin in this and come back to it.
  • Mom and Dad, you don’t see me.  You really don’t see me.
  • Bill Hader.  Tulsa, Oklahoma is the 50th largest metropolitan city in America.  AND YET! you talk about your hometown like it is a rural outpost in Yoknapatawpha County.  Was deer season a school holiday in Tulsa?  I don’t think so.  Did you get stuck behind a tractor driving to school?  Did you get attacked by a crazed rooster named uncle Jesse?  You sure as hell didn’t shit in an outhouse in Tulsa Oklahoma, did you Bill?
  • Self, quit it with the procrastination.