Month: November 2010

Chandler Bing and I have the same attitude about Thanksgiving. We would like to avoid it because we associate it with shittastic things. So usually around this time of the year, I’m anxious, having nightmares, and am just a moody pain in the ass. Oh and my Dad’s side of the family isn’t really close so it just adds to the drama.

But this year wasn’t so bad. Mainly because this year there was no pretext of having my father’s side of the family get together. Okay in a way that is sad, but seriously, SO MUCH ANGST AND DRAMA was avoided. Yes. I mean if you live in the same town as people and they can’t be bothered to contact you and hang out with you AND they talk shit behind your back (and occasionally to your face), then they’re not really people who like or love you very much.

sooooooooooooooo

It was all good. Here are the things I learned.

1. Having a double whammy fluid behind the ear and swimmer’s ear in the same ear is one of the seven circles of hell. It hurt. It made it hard to sleep. Then when I finally got so exhausted I couldn’t take it anymore, I would manage to pass out. It’s better now. They still feel weird. I might have to go back.
2. Family is the people who love you and not necessarily the people who are your grandparents’ children and grandchildren. BUDDHA CAT FOREVERZ!
3. Sometimes things work out the way they should instead of how you predict
4. I am able to cook something that is tasty and won’t cause food poisoning. WOO! I made Pioneer Woman’s Macaroni and Cheese. I altered it slightly. I used penne pasta instead of macaroni. I also used half sharp cheddar and half a cheddar/Monterey Jack blend. Other than that, it was just like the recipe. Here is a picture
5. Cats go batshit crazy over Christmas trees

This is my father’s passport pictures. He was either in his late teens or early 20s. He got this passport when he was in the Air Force. My father’s father and several uncles were also veterans.

Remember

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we
lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies
grow
In Flanders fields.
— Lt.-Col. John McCrae (1872 – 1918)

Yeah I’ve been all sad and blue and blah blah blah but then it just suddenly gets better. Or I just got tired of being sad or hit rock bottom.

1. Conan is here. CONAN IS HERE!!! You know I saw him in concert, right? And he sent me some nifty swag, too. yee haww. I’m ready for some goofy tv.

2. The Arkansas Supreme Court ordered new hearings in the West Memphis 3 case. I’m stunned.

I haven’t said much lately. It’s not that I haven’t had much to say, it’s more that what I have had to say lately isn’t pleasant. It’s sad and self-loathing. I have a tendency to lean towards being a perfectionist and in certain times of my life, it can really bite me in the ass..

In fact, for every situation that is a setback, I will ruminate and wonder “if I was only smarter, pretty, more fit, more savvy, more more more something, then this wouldn’t have happened to me.” It’s always somehow my fault and due to some lack that I possess. What could I have done differently? Why did I see this coming? I’m an idiot. I’m going to continue to be an idiot for the end of time. Why would anybody want to hang out with an idiot? damn I’m an idiot and a loser. oh lord. Lather, rinse, repeat.

As you can plainly see, this is a crazy making mantra and without someone to slap back into reality and to remind me that I am fairly smart and that everybody makes mistakes and in the grand scheme of things, most of my mistakes aren’t that bad, (no prison, no bad marriages, nobody is trying to kill me, no rehab) I can go to sad sack of shit land pretty fast. I do believe the above is a run on sentence but I am keeping it. Take that perfectionism. Eh that’s more like lazy ass grammar in the wee hours of the morning.

And yet, I spent more time than I would like being unhappy and discontent. It’s never good enough in Melissa land or more specifically, I am never good enough.

Sometimes this knowledge keeps me from getting out of bad situations or leaving bad people behind because I will think that if I just do something things will get better. I can make that person respect me or like me. Now Bonnie Raitt has already let everybody and their mama know, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t” So I need to get with the program and cut some fools loose.

Yeah all that self indulgent crap above means I have been doing a lot of laying around on the couch feeling like dog poop and trying to figure out how to make it better. It also means I am on the verge of changing a whole bunch of stuff about my life.

SO there you go.

I am making plans to move. This town is a bad fit for me and it’s been time for years. I have tried and tried like no other but dammit, it’s just not working.

I signed up for National Novel Writing Month

I signed up to do the Little Rock half marathon again