Melissa Runs

Sometimes, Melissa runs her legs. Sometimes, she runs her mouth.

Tag: 2009 (page 1 of 10)

A festivus for the rest of us: the airing of the grievances

Festivus in Adams Morgan

Originally uploaded by mringlein

My old neighborhood, Adams Morgan in DC is celebrating Festivus.

And well gosh darn it. Not one to be all left out of a celebration, I too am celebrating Festivus.

The feats of strength will be later… but first…

1. When I write a letter to a public official and the public official doesn’t answer the letter but bad mouths subject of letter publically, it chaps my hide. Also, it makes me feel no sympathy for Arkansas getting a bad reputation…. because if a place can elect someone too stupid to answer their own damn mail, then maybe it deserves the reputation it gets.

2. Tiger Woods, why did you get married when you wanted to screw everybody within a 20 mile radius? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!!!

3. I can’t believe the amount of brain cells and time was wasted reading about the John and Kate plus 8 debacle. I’m embarrassed to admit I got sucked it.

4. I hate being sucked in to stupid tabloid shit.

5. Dear Duggar, WE GET IT. YOU are fertile. NO blanks shooting out of your gun. WE GET IT. but after kid . . . oh . . . .15. . . you’re just showing off.

6. weightloss…… you avoided me this year…. oh stress eating.

7. 2009. You sucked donkey balls for me. DONKEY BALLS! It was a Mexican Hooker year at casa de Melissa. Okay you only half sucked donkey balls. You sucked one of the balls. I’m guessing the left one. The right one is currently suck free.

8. They bought back the creepy baby Jesus for the Nativity scene again. I’m having nightmares.

9. Why do police and firemen get paid so little?

10. Tiger Woods apparently screwed everyone in the neighborhood BUT ME. SERIOUSLY do my pits stink. Everyone else got to ride the six iron, why not me? I don’t even think Tiger Woods is attractive but dammit EVERYBODY and their MAMA got a trip to the Romper room so I’m beginning to question my deodorant and hair removal choices.

11. This zit on my nose isn’t making me happy either.
11. Oh yeah the laziness. THE LAZINESS. I haven’t ran in two weeks. ME. Runner girl. No running. My ass is expanding. aye carumba. and I can’t find my ipod either.

OMG poor Kurt Cobain.

I found this via flash traffic.

I wonder if Dave Grohl has seen this. Kurt Cobain is rolling around in his grave. OH it’s so bad.


Fight The Humbug (reprint)

This is a reprint from last year
but I think it should be read every holiday season.

For some reason, everybody and their Mama is starting to hate on Christmas. Eleanor is losing the spirit. MF never had it (I think he’s lying just to look like a badass for the ladies). There’s even a Bah Humbug club in England.

Back in the day, I used to feel a little blue during the holiday and then I came to resent the holiday. Finally, I have gotten to the point where I can enjoy the thing. Here are some of my tips.

  1. Christmas doesn’t turn crap into gold. Yeah everybody and their mama tells you that Christmas is the time for friends and family. Everybody is supposed to get together and have a jolly old good time. This is all great and all but if your family tap dances on your last nerve: your grandpa is an alcoholic or your aunt is mean and uses you as an emotional whipping girl. None of that is going to change because Jesus was born many years ago. They’re still going to be the same shitheads that they are the other 51 weeks out of the year. Sometimes, you might have to set up some personal boundaries for yourself and limit the time with drunk grandpa and mean aunt if it’s going to harsh your buzz for the entire season.

    That being said, if you have been a jackass to someone and are feeling bad about it. This holiday season does give you the opportunity to extend an olive branch or a peace pipe. It’s not calling people out of the blue for no reason, it’s wishing them well for the holiday season.

  2. Your problems aren’t going to go away just because it’s the seasonIf you’re unhappy,fat, or broke, you’re still going to be unhappy, fat, and/or broke. It’s not going to go away because there’s a tree and some presents
  3. People are not nicer during the holiday season. I don’t know what this peace on Earth, goodwill towards man crap is. Ask anyone who works in retail during the holiday season and they will tell you, “people are still the same greedy shits they are the other 11 months of the year. In fact, the greedy shitness is multiplied.” People are shooting each in Toys R Us over what? A Wii. A Bratz doll? People want to be the hero to their own friends and relatives by bringing them the choice gifts so they can get some applause and standing ovations. They will push, pull, poke, and possibly steal the toy out of your shopping cart. Then they drop fifty cents into the Salvation Army bucket and go home thinking they’re a great charitable human being.
  4. Avoid Christmas music. Here’s the deal. The classical music written by the white haired greats such as Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms, Yeah that stuff rules. BUT the stuff that is produced closer to today, it sucks. The record producers know that you’re only going to play it for the few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas day. They’re not trying to create a Stairway to Heaven or a Help or even a Hey Ya. They know it’s never going to be a number one single or go platinum so they’re going to put out some crap to get a little change in their pockets and go home. To put it simply, Christmas records are CRAP! Avoid that shit. You’ll hear it enough in stores, on television, and on the radio to purposefully put yourself in a position of listening to it on purpose. It’s crappy music with cheesy lyrics. It, for the most part, is not good music. It sucks. Bad arranging. The singer might be out of tune. Nobody is caring because you’ll listen to it for six weeks and then put it up and listen to it six weeks next year. It’s shitty music. So don’t be tearing out the Christmas music right after thanksgiving and expect to not want to poke your eardrums out to rid yourself of that gawdawful noise because that’s just unrealistic. Avoid the shitty Christmas music. Or write to your Congressman to demand that people release stuff that isn’t certified crap. Also, I think those records will say “I hate myself and want to die” if you play them backwards. Yes I do.
  5. Buy your presents online. People go crazy and they especially go crazy in malls. If you can get your gifts online, you avoid that stuff. Of course, my local Chamber of Commerce is going to send me reindeer crap for this particular item. Nice! Fertilizer for my flowers!
  6. You don’t have to go to every party invited. For some reason, there is this pressure to attend every Christmas party. Do you attend every party you have ever been invited? Seriously, say “No thank you, I have other plans.” It doesn’t matter if those plans are sitting on your couch with your cat watching “Veronica Mars” reruns. If you don’t want to go to that particular party, don’t go! OF course, there is this pressure to be a social maven during the holiday. If you’re not a social butterfly who likes large parties or the particular party is filled with people who will make you lose the little faith you have in the human race, don’t be a martyr for the holiday. Don’t go to the shitty party. Give yourself a present.
  7. Avoid peer pressure Yeah Mary has a thousand Christmas lights with some blow up dolls in her front yard but that doesn’t mean YOU have to do that to your house. In many ways, this could apply to some of the above advice. This goes for gifts. If you can’t afford to buy a Wii, don’t let your kid and your neighbors who are getting one make you feel bad for not buying one. Yeah it sucks but bankruptcy because you can’t pay those credit cards later sucks more. So shake it off. Be the rock star that other people want to emulate. Forget those Joneses, they’re probably all on prozac and in therapy anyway.

So there you go. There is some of my advice to survive the holidays without feeling like pooo!

I covet this

I love yoga. Back in the day, I would take yoga classes at this place in DC. Of course, I move back and NO YOGA. I managed to find this VHS tape called MTV Yoga. It’s a very good basic yoga workout.

Of course, my vhs player is kaput.

Who am I?

if you haven’t donated to Race for the Cure and would like to do so, you can donate here.

I came across this article on Lawyerist about headshots and biographies. I have been putting off the headshot and I am completely baffled about what to put in a biography for my professional site.

What exactly is my expertise if I’m starting out and how does my “expertise” manage to follow the Rules of Professional Conduct that says you can’t say you are an expert in a certain type of law?

For all the writing about myself and random daily events on this blog, I have always had problems writing out my accomplishments and writing a succinct biography. It must be a function of modesty or some “home training” where I’m supposed to be modest. Also, I’m always surprised at what people want to know and how people react to certain information. I also see the gaps and the disappointments and mistakes I made in my life in those biographies. The information that isn’t there because I did something goofy or made a decision that turned out in hindsight to be “not wise.”

Of course, my mistakes aren’t tragic. I haven’t gone to jail. I’m not paralyzed from the waist down because I got in a car with drunk driver. Although I am overweight, I still have a decent blood pressure and am working to lose weight. I have a good job and some good friends. Even though I’ve had some relationships that were absolutely horrible, I didn’t have any horrible marriages that resulted in kids and many years of a long drawn out divorce and years of litigation over child custody and visitation issues. When the weenies who used to be my significant others are gone, they can stay gone. I’m blessed like that.

So what is this great biography that I should be making on my professional site? I don’t know. I guess I’ll figure it out later.

Blog post amnesty

There’s a concept in the De-cluttering world known as email amnesty where you delete all your emails and send a mass email to all your contacts stating “sorry, I was so far behind on answering emails that there was no way I could catch up. I deleted them all. If there was something important, I’m sorry. Please send the message again.”

Well. All those meaningful posts that I meant to write are well way past their prime to be relevant anymore. Maybe I’ll catch up on them later. Here’s a list.

  • The first football game of the season here in small town America. It was our town versus the town twelve miles away. IT’s amazing how football, of all things, manages to bring the entire town together. I had pictures of the band and the full bleachers of the visitor side and the home team side. Well I guess I will upload the pics. The “Friday Night Lights” style commentary is just gone forever.
  • Roman Polanski.

    Okay I may still go after details on this. I’m a criminal defense attorney at heart and this type of case is a gold mine for all the issues involved. Does he deserve time? If criminal law is meant to protect the public, does it matter that Polanski hasn’t recommited the type of crime in the past 30 years? Does it matter that he was gainfully employed and giving to society? Does it matter that his past involved Nazis and his wife and unborn child being slaughtered by the Manson family? What about his leaving the country? Does it matter about the corrupt judge? OH man.

    Well the short answer is that in most states (i’m not sure about California) bail jumping, leaving the country, being on the lam, etc. is an entirely new charge and that is an extra felony on top of his crime. So he’s screwed for that. There is a concept that warrants get stale and if the police wait too long then it’s over. Most of that time, that is based on a warrant to arrest and it doesn’t involve a person ACTIVELY avoiding being arrested. The girl was underage and that is statutory rape. This means it is a strict liability crime. it doesn’t matter if she lied and said she was 20. It doesn’t matter if was completely consensual and she climbed on top of your naked body and rode you like a rodeo bull. If she’s under age and you had sex with her, you’re going to JAIL. The more interesting question is “how much time should he get?” Sentencing is where most of the issues being bandied around in the press get their attention: his past, etc.

  • MORE SERIAL KILLER LOVE I discovered Dexter. What a wonderful witty little show. I managed to whiz through the first two seasons via Netflix ready view and will now have to wait for Season 3 to make it here in teeny succession.

    I became interested in psychology after watching Silence of the Lambs. My wanting to be a criminal profiler lead to an interest in forensic psychology which lead to my investigation job which lead to law school. If you want to connect the dots, Hannibal Lecture is responsible for me being a lawyer. Lord, help you all.

  • WORK AND VOLUNTEER WORK I’ve become involved with the local young lawyers section. Since I have been in practice for less than five years, I qualify. yee hawww. This also deserves an extra special YEE HAWWW because it means I am getting out of the house.
  • I’m doing Race for the Cure again. According to the site, I’ve raised NO DAMN MONEY!
  • professional domain YES. web host for professional site. YES. Actual site content. NO! will rectify that soon.
  • COOKING I bought a copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I’m not good at cooking but, like Julia Child, I do like to eat. Since I heard that she explains every little thing down to the last detail, I would buy this book and attempt to make delicious food. We’ll see how this goes. I’m sure there will be photos.

So yeah. I could have written an entry on each blurb. I just realized I forgot about the Blogging Academy I attended. SEE!!

But I’m good and I tweet a lot. And I will start over with topics.

Totally awesome videos and pictures.


It could be an actual Prohibition protest.

Insurance Company Executives need your help. Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. And yeah everybody and their mama has already seen but that doesn’t make it any less awesome.

Fa la la la la busyness means no bloggyness

It’s that time again. I signed up for the Race for the Cure. with Team Fabulous. You can see the pictures from last year’s race here. This is one of the few events that I don’t actually run. Last year, Team Fabulous took a smoke break by the stripping firemen. Yeah I said stripping firemen. You might just have to join to figure out if I am serious.

I cooked something. It tasted good and no one got food poisoning. It’s the dawn of a new age, America. I made this Chicken a la Diable It’s french. Well bastardized french. I don’t think got too authentic but its’ dijon mustard and cayenne pepper over chicken, then covered in bread crumbs and baked in a roasting pan that has melted butter in it. YUM to the TUM. I was rather pleased myself. It didn’t taste spicy though. IN fact, I didn’t taste much of the mustard or cayenne pepper at all. That was rather weird but the chicken wasn’t dry or bland so I can’t complain.

I attended our local high school football game and took tons of pictures. Yet I haven’t had time to download them and give the commentary. I also attended the tailgate but the camera crews had already left and most of the food was gone by the time I got there. I wasn’t that late people. It seems people descended on that food like vultures. One woman almost snatched something out of my hand. OUT OF MY HAND!!! I didn’t know anyone here was friends with Kanye West. What the hell?! See… great commentary is a coming. Oh yeah we won like 62 to 32 or some other crazy score that indicates that both teams have shitty defense but theirs is worse than ours.

RIP Patrick Swayze

He died yesterday. aww man. *sniff*

I grew up on Patrick Swayze movies. I remember playing Dirty Dancing songs and trying to mimic the movements in my room when I was in the ninth grade. I saw Ghost with my boyfriend at the time my senior year of high school.

The President's school speech

So here is the speech to the schools that Barack Obama is supposed to give tomorrow.

Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama
Back to School Event

Arlington, Virginia
September 8, 2009

The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today.

I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.
I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning.

Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, “This is no picnic for me either, buster.”
So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year.

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility.
I’ve talked about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn.
I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox.

I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t working where students aren’t getting the opportunities they deserve.
But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.

And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.

And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’ve got to work for it and train for it and learn for it.

And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.
Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork.

I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in.
So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.

But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.
Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right.

But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.
Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future.

That’s what young people like you are doing every day, all across America.

Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas. Jazmin didn’t speak English when she first started school. Hardly anyone in her hometown went to college, and neither of her parents had gone either. But she worked hard, earned good grades, got a scholarship to Brown University, and is now in graduate school, studying public health, on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.

I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. He’s endured all sorts of treatments and surgeries, one of which affected his memory, so it took him much longer – hundreds of extra hours – to do his schoolwork. But he never fell behind, and he’s headed to college this fall.

And then there’s Shantell Steve, from my hometown of Chicago, Illinois. Even when bouncing from foster home to foster home in the toughest neighborhoods, she managed to get a job at a local health center; start a program to keep young people out of gangs; and she’s on track to graduate high school with honors and go on to college.

Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. They faced challenges in their lives just like you do. But they refused to give up. They chose to take responsibility for their education and set goals for themselves. And I expect all of you to do the same.

That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community.

Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn. Maybe you’ll decide to take better care of yourself so you can be more ready to learn. And along those lines, I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.
Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it.

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work — that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things.

But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.

That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, “I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.

And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?

Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

So this is the socialist propaganda that has people about to pee all over themselves? really?

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