I haven’t said much lately. It’s not that I haven’t had much to say, it’s more that what I have had to say lately isn’t pleasant. It’s sad and self-loathing. I have a tendency to lean towards being a perfectionist and in certain times of my life, it can really bite me in the ass..
In fact, for every situation that is a setback, I will ruminate and wonder “if I was only smarter, pretty, more fit, more savvy, more more more something, then this wouldn’t have happened to me.” It’s always somehow my fault and due to some lack that I possess. What could I have done differently? Why did I see this coming? I’m an idiot. I’m going to continue to be an idiot for the end of time. Why would anybody want to hang out with an idiot? damn I’m an idiot and a loser. oh lord. Lather, rinse, repeat.
As you can plainly see, this is a crazy making mantra and without someone to slap back into reality and to remind me that I am fairly smart and that everybody makes mistakes and in the grand scheme of things, most of my mistakes aren’t that bad, (no prison, no bad marriages, nobody is trying to kill me, no rehab) I can go to sad sack of shit land pretty fast. I do believe the above is a run on sentence but I am keeping it. Take that perfectionism. Eh that’s more like lazy ass grammar in the wee hours of the morning.
And yet, I spent more time than I would like being unhappy and discontent. It’s never good enough in Melissa land or more specifically, I am never good enough.
Sometimes this knowledge keeps me from getting out of bad situations or leaving bad people behind because I will think that if I just do something things will get better. I can make that person respect me or like me. Now Bonnie Raitt has already let everybody and their mama know, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t” So I need to get with the program and cut some fools loose.
Yeah all that self indulgent crap above means I have been doing a lot of laying around on the couch feeling like dog poop and trying to figure out how to make it better. It also means I am on the verge of changing a whole bunch of stuff about my life.
SO there you go.
I am making plans to move. This town is a bad fit for me and it’s been time for years. I have tried and tried like no other but dammit, it’s just not working.
I signed up for National Novel Writing Month
I signed up to do the Little Rock half marathon again