About two weeks ago, my beloved three month old laptop quit having power. Even though it was plugged up, the power just kept going down. Finally, it completely died and I took it to the local computer store thinking it was a faulty battery or a faulty power cord. They told me that I had a potential motherboard problem. This is bad. Really reallyl bad. In fact, I was told that if it wasn’t under warranty, I would be better off just buying a new laptop.
(insert loud swearing here)
So today between two appointments, I had an hour to kill and gently pressed the keys to my phone to customer service. Ring ring ring.
First I get the nice computer lady voice who says in spanish that if I want to speak in spanish to press some other numbers. Then I was asked if this was about a bill or technical support. Then I had to push this twenty gazillion digit service number that is written in -2000000 point font on the back of my computer.
Then I got a human voice. A human voice from what I believe is in or around the Indian subcontinent. One of the first things I hear is “Would you like to hear about your special service called “Your Technical team”? For $179 dollars per year, you can get a North American Technician and they will attend to your call within 2 minutes.” Wow way to profit on American’s xenophobia. computer company of mine.
So I answer a few questions and get sent to another technician. I have to tell the same twenty gazillion digit phone number. He then asked me to say and spell my name. He spelled it back using the NATO phonetic alphabet SWEET!
After all that, there was some talking about my computer problem. My computer died. The battery ran down. It wouldn’t turn on. I thought it was the power cord or the battery itself. Somehow the battery wasn’t charging itself. I took it to the local computer repair shop because I wasn’t about to send it off if it was a battery issue.
Huh huh says computer guy. Then he starts giving me all these constructions over the phone like take the battery out and turn it on. Unplug the computer and replug it. Press FN, FU, and the power button. Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around, then press the power key.
None of these were successful. He put me on hold and I had to listen to the most gawd awful classical music I have ever heard in my life. I’m a classic music fan but oh this was some bad music. I mean bad as in it was staticy and poorly executed. I swear I heard a wrong note.
He comes back and gives me some more instructions.
So in a couple of days, I am going to receive a magic box. Inside the magic box, there will be a piece of paper with aphone number. I will take the super duper secret piece of paper with the super duper secret phone number and replace the piece of paper with my lap top. I will close it and call the super duper secret phone number listed. Then the ninjas will come and pick up my computer. Then they will take it to the dojo and kick the shit out of my computer until it decides to act right.
or something like that.
They might just spit on it and give it back to me.
I’d like to think facebook applications for keeping me from pulling my hair out during this dire situation.